Too Many Words, Yet Not Enough

Even as I was posting “C’est Fini” last night, I was holding out hope that if I prayed long enough God might grant me a miracle.  But He didn’t.  I was a the end of my rope, and He let me go.

My nurse called this afternoon.  It’s over for us.  Well… she was surely cheerful enough, ready to schedule the next CD3 appointment and call in the prescriptions for next cycle.  I just don’t know what we’re going to do.  We’re on vacation at the end of this month, so we’ve got some thinking time; but the next cycle would cost about $2,500.  $2,500 for a spin on the roulette wheel.  And just like a gambling addict a small part of me is thinking “but maybe we just need to try one more time”.

When I posted last month that this time next month we’d be planning our “last Disney trip before we bring home an adopted child” this month, I was hoping against hope that that wouldn’t be true.  But here I am.  Four eggs.  Each had a 30% chance (due to the drugs we used this time).  Statistics say we should have succeeded, and yet here I am with my heart crushed again.  I don’t know what to do.  Try again or give up.  People like Octomom and “Jon and Kate plus Hate” have 22 kids between them to destroy; but we can’t even have one.  Unfortunately couples who are infertile get violated twice; once when they finally discover that they can’t have their own biological children, and again when they have to deal with privacy invations the likes of which normal sane adults would never put up with, in order to be declared (by the state) to be fit to be parents.

I’ve never prayed as hard or long in my life as I have this month and yet here I am…. “empty handed but alive in Your hands.”  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today; muchless this weekend.

I’m sad, and angry, and broken hearted and I don’t know what else.  So many people have told me “stop trying so hard” and “relax” and even “it will happen in God’s timing.”  Well guess what?  God said “no”.  My worst fear was always that God didn’t want us to be parents and while I’m sure we can adopt a part of me just feels like that fear has come true.  What do you do when your God is big enough to _________ but just doesn’t?  What do you do when you’re at the end of your rope with nothing left to cling to but God and He lets you go?

I wish I knew how to make this incredible sadness go away.

Most people get pregnant and don’t even think about the costs because insurance covers everything and they have a lifetime to pay for diapers and college.  Us?  We’ll have to buy our kids for $20 – 40k each and then spend a lifetime paying for diapers and college.  I’m sorry; I’m just in a really sad, angry, cynical, i-don’t-know-what mood right now.

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